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  Kathleen Gran is having a great time working as an Image Coach and helping people achieve a strong, personal brand. Her mission is to get people to understand the power of their visual impact so that they can thrive and succeed.

  

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“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.”
Tony Blair

A colleague recently shared with me her frustration about having declined her friend’s request to help organize a party… to no avail. Her friend kept on coming back assuming that she was involved, despite repeated polite attempts at passing up the offer. Was my colleague not clear the first time she declined or was her friend refusing to take “no” for an answer?

Not too many people are at ease refusing someone’s demands, so they end up saying “maybe”, or “I’m not sure”, lying about being busy, or worse, accepting despite a full schedule. This can be confusing and particularly unproductive in a working environment where not being able to say “no” can result in your to-do list overflowing in no time! This can also ultimately affect your professional image because you may be perceived as someone who does not know how to set boundaries.

On the flip side of the coin, folks on the asking end don’t make it easy for us either because they have a hard time accepting that “no” is just as a legitimate answer as the expected “yes”. They will make pretend they didn’t understand, make you feel guilty, glare at you, give you the cold shoulder, get emotional or worse, get angry if you refuse their request.

So what is it about saying “no” that is so difficult? Well, we are fundamentally nice people who do not want to hurt another person’s feelings by rejecting her request. We may have been brought up with the notion that it is rude to decline something offered to us or to refuse someone’s request for assistance. In a work environment, we don’t want to come across as uncooperative, nor do we want to create conflict and lose career opportunities. We may simply be people-pleasers. There are many reasons to avoid saying “no” but by doing so, we are not valuing our time or ourselves. Saying “no” is simply respecting our own time and energy and shaping our professional and private lives the way they were meant to be. This does not mean that from time to time there won’t be that extraordinary situation where we will have to agree to something we would prefer not to do, but those situations should be exceptional and not current practice.

Everyone can learn to refuse gracefully, but first let’s look at my 7 golden rules about saying “no”.

1. Start believing that saying “no” is acceptable.
2. Define your priorities so that you know when it is time to say “no”.
3. Be factual and always truthful when declining someone’s request.
4. Be assertive and polite when refusing.
5. Don’t change your mind under pressure. If the person insists, listen to her objections and then reiterate your refusal as many times as needed. Do not defend your reasons.
6. Smile and look the person in the eyes when expressing yourself.
7. Stop the guilt trip.

Below are some simple phrases that you may use, depending on the situation.

- “My schedule is full and I cannot commit to this right now. Maybe some other time.”

- “I am not the best person for this type of task and would prefer that you ask someone else. Thank you for thinking of me.”

- “This sounds like a nice (fun) experience, but it’s really not something I am interested in doing at the moment. Thanks anyway.”

- “I would love to help, but this does not fit my priorities at this moment. Sorry to turn you down.”

- “I appreciate you asking, but I need to decline. Have you thought of approaching …..?”

Remember that you don’t need to justify your answer. However, it may help the person understand if you offer some explanation as to why you are saying “no”.

The delicate art of saying “no” to requests that are not serving your higher purpose is something that requires practice. Once you realize how this approach is contributing to making your life simpler and richer, you will embrace this new form of appreciation of yourself, your work and your personal time. You will become a better contributor to what really matters to you and, as an added bonus, your image will be enhanced by reflecting someone who is assertive in a polite, confident way.

Note: I encourage feedback but will never publish comments that arrive through spam

One of my favourite topics when I teach Business Etiquette is handshakes and how they help you better communicate with the person in front of you. Participants are usually skeptical at first, but rapidly embrace this fun way of discovering the type of person they are dealing with. The handshake is a well accepted international gesture and an automatic ritual of greeting and departure, but if you pay a little attention, you will learn to “read” its subtle messages. The Protocol School of Washington, the leader in etiquette and protocol services, includes a course on handshakes in their renown training program and have published a book about the art of handshaking (see right side bar in Kathleen Recommends).

Did you know that there are 12 basic handshakes that you may experience during your interactions with people? Each of these will tell you a short story about how that person is feeling at that moment and will help you adjust your approach. A handshake may even be different at the beginning and at the end of a meeting, reflecting the outcome of that meeting. This being said, cultural diversities have to be taken into account when trying to assess a handshake, so you should always be careful before drawing conclusions. Let’s explore the five most common ones.

1. The Power Handshake
   This is the handshake of confident, relaxed, and genuine people. It includes a firm grip, parallel hands and one or two strokes. It is accompanied by a smile and eye contact and followed by the appropriate introductions. It will leave a great first impression.
2. The Water Pump
   Exaggerated in the number of strokes and extent of movement, this handshake often belongs to people wanting to show enthusiasm (in interviews, for example) or their excitement to be part of a group or an event. Pumping your way into the other person’s life is not going to be a lasting good feeling. Remember: everything in moderation!
3. The Magnet
   The person is trying to attract you into his space by pulling your hand towards him or guiding you in a direction. This person is probably trying to dominate you or wants to place you somewhere. A perfect example of this is the following video where Barack Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu shake hands. The tug of war is obvious, each wanting to place the other into his space! Priceless!

 

 

4. The Bone Crusher
   Your fingers will literally crack under this person’s powerful handshake, leaving you with a negative, and most likely painful, first impression! This handshake usually belongs to insecure people who confuse physical strength with personal power. There is nothing inviting nor positive about this handshake and chances are, you will come across as an overpowering person who is desperate for authority rather than a confident individual.
5. The Dead Fish
   Who likes to hold a limp hand? It screams indifference and passivity. Not only does it indicate low self-esteem, it is dismissive and draining for the person receiving it. This handshake shows apathy and will definitely generate a flight response from the person on the receiving end.

First impressions are crucial in every encounter and the handshake is the first and only physical contact you will have with your client. Make it memorable!

Note: I encourage feedback but will never publish comments that arrive through spam.

The best way to give your brand some credibility is telling people about it. But some folks are uncomfortable with self-promotion because they feel they are bragging.

So how can you impress someone without sounding boastful?

People will make a split second judgement about you when you get introduced or walk into a room. It is therefore important to position yourself quickly and efficiently in order to establish your credibility, role and intentions. You need to use self-promotion to reveal information about yourself, trigger interest and be remembered. Let’s look at 5 ways that this can be achieved.

1. Introduce a specialty. When you meet a person, you first share the basics: your name, your business, and what you do. Then begins the self-promotion. By introducing something that is unique to you, a specialty, or an unusual way of doing things, you will set the tone for an interesting discussion where you will most likely be asked to share more details. This will allow you to highlight your strengths without crowing.
2. Tell a story rather than give facts. Always keep a few of your accomplishments in mind. To relay those stories, use the problem-solving approach: outline the situation, identify how you resolved the problem and define the results. For example, instead of saying “I own…” – “I am…” – or “I do” – try telling the person about an experience you had. “I was faced with… I had to… and this resulted in…” – “I heard about… I decided to… and this turned out to be…”. Placing the emphasis on your challenges and the way you resolved them will allow you to emphasize your accomplishments without bragging.
3. Insert a dose of humility. Nobody is perfect and admitting to some errors will make you appear humble and trustworthy. You don’t have to beat yourself up, but using a little humour to express your slip-ups will only make you more human and therefore accessible.
4. Mention publications. If you have been interviewed/published in a magazine or newspaper or if you have a blog, invite people to find out more about you and your services by consulting these publications – “You may want to read about my speciality in…” – “If you want to find out more, why don’t you log on to my blog at…”.  It gives you credibility and is a compelling way for people to discover your true values.
5. Show your personal power.  People want to be around others that have self-esteem and confidence. By expressing what you do in a passionate and positive way, you will be promoting yourself as a self-assured, go-to person without being perceived as arrogant.

Judicious self-promotion is a critical part of establishing your brand, maintaining it and developing the required visibility and credibility for your business to soar. Just make sure to use it in good dosage in order to refrain from crossing the fine line between promoting yourself and bragging. 

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Make sure to check the right column of my blog for Kathleen Recommends to discover a book that will teach you more about first impressions.

Note: I encourage feedback but will never publish comments that arrive through spam.

The following scenario actually happened to me several years ago. I was at a business lunch with my boss, our sales representative and an important potential client. The conversation was going well and signs that we would get this new account were abundant… that is, until the food was served. Our sales representative proceeded to slurp his soup with his head so close to the plate that we could actually see the top of his head, chew with his mouth opened, leave greasy food marks on his glass and, as if this wasn’t charming enough, burp loudly as we were waiting for our coffees. The client – a lady with obvious better table manners than our guy – watched in utter disgust while we witnessed our chances of ever working with this client dissipate in thin air. All of our attempts to redeem this embarrassing situation were met with polite smiles and body language cues that were quite clear – we were not number 1 anymore.

What had happened here? Simply put, our sales rep had created a negative experience of our company through his lack of table manners. One might say: “Well, what does that have to do with the service/product that you are selling?” In essence, nothing, but the perception created was that we were not refined people and that our company was going to deliver a below standard service. The experience was not a positive one for our potential client and she had second thoughts about our credibility and our ability to deliver a quality service after witnessing the behaviour of our sales rep. After all, employees are the ambassadors of their companies and by failing at representing their company in a positive light, they are casting a negative impression on everything that their employer stands for.

Even if your clients do not adhere to basic table etiquette, the fact that you do will subconsciously create a positive experience in their minds and influence their perception of you, your company, your products and your services.

The way you behave in public speaks very loudly about who you are and what you represent. Learning about basic table manners is just one of the ways you can ensure quality interactions with your clients and potential clients.

One CEO for whom I worked systematically invited all managerial and sales candidates to a lunch meeting for their third and final interview. No matter how great the candidate’s credentials and two prior interviews had been, if the table manners were not perfect, that person was not hired. He strongly believed that soft skills were much more important when you were face to face with clients than your diplomas.

Table etiquette is easy to learn and will help you, and your staff, build a positive business relationship with your clients. It’s really not worth ignoring.

Whether you are a woman or a man, you judge what you see. That’s how you decide whom you approach at a networking event, whom you sit next to at a conference, whom you engage a conversation with in an airport, for example. That’s also how people form an opinion of you before they have a chance to gather more specific information about you. 

A first impression will set the tone for all future encounters. It is lasting and difficult to change once it’s ingrained in one’s mind, especially if it’s a negative one. The mind will subconsciously try to validate its first impression of a person, so it is vital that your image immediately projects strong, positive visual clues about your values and position. 

Your business attire must place you in a position of strength. Whether you are going for an interview, meeting a client, networking or simply building your career path, the way you look will make or break your chances of success.   

So what is the appropriate business attire for you? Consider these 6 basic factors. 

1. Look at the company culture
   You want to fit in. If most of the people, management included, wear business casual, you don’t want to dress in highly classic business attire, nor in sporty casual clothes. However, if your peers are business casual dressers, but management is more in the traditional attire and you want a managerial position in the future, it would be wise to emulate their dress code. Just remember to dress for the position you want, not the one you have.
    
2. Consider your position and your level of hierarchy in the company
   If you are the boss, dress as the boss. You are not your staff’s peer, you are their leader, and the way you dress should reflect that. If you meet clients, dress conservatively to create a feeling of trust and competence, especially in the financial, insurance and consultancy sectors where establishing reliability is mandatory. If you are the owner of your company, people should be able to pinpoint you immediately when they arrive at your office.
    
3. Be at your best at all times
   Details will refine your appearance and make you look pulled together. The right accessories, hair style, grooming, makeup for women, and good manners will distinguish you and make you memorable.
    
4. Aim to inspire rather than to seduce
   The office is not a place for seduction. Your outfit must not detract the attention from what you are there to do.  It must, on the contrary, reflect your competence and position to attract respect, so it is best to keep sexy outfits and demeanours for your private life.
    
5. A home office is still an office
   I strongly recommend to my clients who work from home to forego the sweat pants and, worse, the pj’s!  You don’t need to dress in a 3-piece suit, but make an effort to dress in such a way that you feel “at work”. Distractions are numerous when you work from home and to be more efficient you want to feel different during your working hours than during your “off” hours.
    
6. If you’re going for an interview, forget casual
   In many instances, the way you dress for an interview may be the decisive factor between you and another equally qualified candidate. If you are in doubt about how to dress for an interview, you should opt for conservatism, unless, of course, you are applying in the film or art industry. There is nothing wrong with asking the person calling to schedule your interview what dress code is appropriate for their company. You are better off to be a little overdressed than underdressed. 

A good first impression does not only rely on your appearance. Being on time, confident, polite, attentive and having a professional disposition are all elements that will help position you in a positive light. 

It will only take a few seconds for someone to evaluate you, so it is worth making an extra effort to have a great first impression. Common sense is your basis, but adding extra thought and preparation can bring your first impression from good, to great. 

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