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“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.”
Tony Blair

A colleague recently shared with me her frustration about having declined her friend’s request to help organize a party… to no avail. Her friend kept on coming back assuming that she was involved, despite repeated polite attempts at passing up the offer. Was my colleague not clear the first time she declined or was her friend refusing to take “no” for an answer?

Not too many people are at ease refusing someone’s demands, so they end up saying “maybe”, or “I’m not sure”, lying about being busy, or worse, accepting despite a full schedule. This can be confusing and particularly unproductive in a working environment where not being able to say “no” can result in your to-do list overflowing in no time! This can also ultimately affect your professional image because you may be perceived as someone who does not know how to set boundaries.

On the flip side of the coin, folks on the asking end don’t make it easy for us either because they have a hard time accepting that “no” is just as a legitimate answer as the expected “yes”. They will make pretend they didn’t understand, make you feel guilty, glare at you, give you the cold shoulder, get emotional or worse, get angry if you refuse their request.

So what is it about saying “no” that is so difficult? Well, we are fundamentally nice people who do not want to hurt another person’s feelings by rejecting her request. We may have been brought up with the notion that it is rude to decline something offered to us or to refuse someone’s request for assistance. In a work environment, we don’t want to come across as uncooperative, nor do we want to create conflict and lose career opportunities. We may simply be people-pleasers. There are many reasons to avoid saying “no” but by doing so, we are not valuing our time or ourselves. Saying “no” is simply respecting our own time and energy and shaping our professional and private lives the way they were meant to be. This does not mean that from time to time there won’t be that extraordinary situation where we will have to agree to something we would prefer not to do, but those situations should be exceptional and not current practice.

Everyone can learn to refuse gracefully, but first let’s look at my 7 golden rules about saying “no”.

1. Start believing that saying “no” is acceptable.
2. Define your priorities so that you know when it is time to say “no”.
3. Be factual and always truthful when declining someone’s request.
4. Be assertive and polite when refusing.
5. Don’t change your mind under pressure. If the person insists, listen to her objections and then reiterate your refusal as many times as needed. Do not defend your reasons.
6. Smile and look the person in the eyes when expressing yourself.
7. Stop the guilt trip.

Below are some simple phrases that you may use, depending on the situation.

- “My schedule is full and I cannot commit to this right now. Maybe some other time.”

- “I am not the best person for this type of task and would prefer that you ask someone else. Thank you for thinking of me.”

- “This sounds like a nice (fun) experience, but it’s really not something I am interested in doing at the moment. Thanks anyway.”

- “I would love to help, but this does not fit my priorities at this moment. Sorry to turn you down.”

- “I appreciate you asking, but I need to decline. Have you thought of approaching …..?”

Remember that you don’t need to justify your answer. However, it may help the person understand if you offer some explanation as to why you are saying “no”.

The delicate art of saying “no” to requests that are not serving your higher purpose is something that requires practice. Once you realize how this approach is contributing to making your life simpler and richer, you will embrace this new form of appreciation of yourself, your work and your personal time. You will become a better contributor to what really matters to you and, as an added bonus, your image will be enhanced by reflecting someone who is assertive in a polite, confident way.

Note: I encourage feedback but will never publish comments that arrive through spam

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